The Surreality Based Week in Review

02/15/08 Putin Claims Russia has Shot Down Wayward US Spy Satellite



Russian President Vladimir Putin displays a photo of downed spy satellite fuel tank


Moscow, Russia (Rotters) - Russian President Vladimir Putin today announced that he had authorized the successful shoot down of a wayward US Army spy satellite. The mission was accomplished with a Russian ASAT missile which was launched by a MiG31. He stated that physicists had calculated the strike so that any remaining debris would merely rain down on the vast uninhabited portions of Russia, minimizing the risk to humans. As proof, Putin offered a picture of one of the destroyed satellite's controversial fuel tanks that had made it through reentry virtually intact.

The Pentagon dismissed Putins claims as baseless propaganda, stating that it still had plans for a Navy shootdown of the satellite over the Pacific. The Pentagon further refused to confirm or deny claims from NASA that the satellite had abruptly disappeared from their tracking systems.

"We are pleased to lend a hand to the Bush administration," stated Putin through interpreters. "I have gazed into his (President Bush) eyes before, and I have seen a man in real trouble. With the American economy doing as badly as it is right now, we were happy to save Mr. Bush the expense of a missile."




02/14/08 McCain Endorsed by Romney, Saved by Huckabee



John McCain and Mike Huckabee minutes after the former minister declared him reborn


Washington, DC (UPSI) - The McCain presidential campaign today racked up endorsements from two competitors, one former and one still active. Former favorite Mitt Romney came out today in support of his campaign, and McCain himself was pronounced "reborn" by former Baptist minister and only remaining competitor, Mike Huckabee. The confessional ceremony between McCain and Huckabee occurred at a small Washington, DC Baptist Church, and was attended only by McCain family and friends and Republick Party insiders.

During the ceremony, McCain openly wept on a number of occasions. He openly confessed his sins in regards to criticism of George Bush on a number of issues, and stated that he had seen the error of his ways in siding with Democrats on a number of issues throughout his career. Huckabee then pronounced him "saved", and a "newly reborn soldier for Jesus".

"I think that this will go a long way toward healing his rift with evangelical conservatives," stated Dr. James Dobson, who attended the ceremony. "I don't know if I will be able to support him yet, however. I want to see if he'll be able to stay on the straight and narrow in regards to gay marriage, stem cells, and birth control. I like his stance on islamofascism, but he also has a little work to do in regards to his views on torture, in my opinion."

The Huckabee campaign insisted that it would remain in the race for now in a seeming mentor role to the McCain campaign in an effort to help the senator through what it described as the first few difficult months after rebirth. Political insiders speculated that McCain's conversion has added fuel to the notion that Huckabee may be tapped as McCain's vice president in a move to solidify the Republick base.




02/12/08 Microsoft Yahoo Service Pack 1 Leaked by Hackers



SP1 makes Yahoo fully integrated with windows and indiscernible from MSN


Redmond, WA (APE) - A spokesperson for Microsoft today announced that it's servers had been hacked and it's Yahoo Service Pack 1 had been prematurely released over the Internet. Yahoo Service Pack 1 was still undergoing preliminary beta testing and was not scheduled for release until after the takeover of the popular Internet search engine and commerce site was finalized. The Microsoft spokesperson reluctantly admitted that the hack was made possible by the previously uncovered "speech recognition analog hole" that its engineers have been struggling with since the release of Windows Vista. "Unfortunately," stated Microsoft technician Svenonine Borg, "all that an informed hacker had to do was to access our servers using either the built-in Microsoft speech recognition program or Dragon NaturallySpeaking and speak the password "do you yahoo". This, in turn, allowed access to all of our preliminary work incorporating Yahoo into Internet Explorer."

The service pack spread like wildfire over various Internet filesharing websites. Reviews from hackers and knowledgeable computer enthusiasts have been mixed thus far.

People who have installed the upgrade state that anyone who has a previously installed Yahoo toolbar are now redirected to MSN for all searches when they attempt to utilize it. Others have stated that their Google toolbar has been completely deactivated, and still will not work after reinstallation.

"I would remind everyone that this was a top secret Beta program nowhere near ready for release," stated Borg. "While we encourage enthusiasm for our products, at this point users are installing this at their own risk. We anticipate the release of the fully tested Yahoo Service Pack 1 sometime this summer, after Yahoo has been fully assimilated."




02/11/08 Berkeley Unrest Silenced with Marine Invasion



A marine guard post overlooking the Berkley Campus carillon


Berkeley, CA (Rotters) - An eerily calm sunset drifted over the restive California town of Berkeley as a Marine assault division settled into its role of martial law. The Marines seized the town without a shot being fired early this morning, wresting control of the city Council from a band of rebels referring to themselves as simply "Code Pink". The Marines went in after desperate calls for assistance from local business members of the FBI's Infrargard program. "These Code Pinkers had manipulated the City Council into banning Marine recruitment in the city, and we were all pretty well being held hostage, " stated a local resident presented by the marines for an interview. "If that's not a threat to our nation's infrastructure, then I don't know what is."

A spokesperson for the Marines stated that the town had overall been fairly uncooperative with its efforts to round up members of Code Pink. Coffee houses and internet cafes had been closed and a dusk to dawn curfew imposed.

"This place has been a hotbed of insurgent activity spanning many generations," stated Texas Republican Senator John Cornyn. "We had attempted to resolve the dispute peacefully by cutting off the city's federal funds earlier this week, but this proved to be impractical as it would have cut off funding to thousands of other projects, many of them in my own home district in Texas."

Bush Administration spokesperson Tony Fratto praised the Marines for the fine job that they were doing in Berkeley. "Code Pink has been severely disrupted in Berkeley, and they're on the run. We are there at the request of businesses, and we will stay until they can install their own government and provide their own security... as they stand up, we will stand down. The president has authorized the discretionary use of extreme interrogation if the need arises. While there will likely be no need for hardened military bases in the future, we will not leave until the job is done."




02/10/08 Shuster Resigns from MSNBC over Comment, Signs with MTV



Former MSNBC corespondent David Shuster will host MTV's "Pimp My Ride"


New York, NY (DMZ) - Two days after offering an apology to presidential candidate Hillary Clinton and her daughter Chelsea for remarks made while hosting MSNBC's Tucker Carlson Show, David Shuster has announced that he will be resigning effective immediately from MSNBC. Shuster's agent stated that this was solely his decision and that he had not received pressure from the network to tender his resignation. "A more lucrative and fulfilling opportunity has presented itself," stated celebrity representative Allisyn Phunn. "David will be taking over the hosting duties for MTV's popular series, Pimp My Ride," stated Phunn. "His youth and exuberance should bring a well needed boost to the show. The younger market is now clamoring for political content, and David should provide that connection."

"I would've liked to have stayed aboard with MSNBC, because politics is my first love," stated Shuster in an exclusive phone interview with DMZ. "That being said, MTV's offer of much more money, less stress, and more fun was one that I couldn't refuse. Fast cars are my second love, well, maybe third behind my new wife."

"I do regret how the incident with the Clintons played out, and I'm sorry that they, and many others, took offense. I did everything I could through various apologies to set things right, but over the last two days I have begun to feel as if I were being "pimped out" in a weird sort of way by MSNBC in order to entice Ms. Clinton into keeping a promise of an upcoming debate with Barack Obama on MSNBC."

Shuster's first episode on pimp my ride, scheduled for broadcast next month, will feature a makeover of Senator John McCain's "Straight Talk Express" bus.




02/10/08 Rove Joins McCain Campaign, Wrecks Straight Talk Express Bus



"Straight Talk Express" wrecks outside of Topeka, KS no one onboard injured


Topeka, KS (APE) - Hours after the McCain campaign announced that former Bush strategist Karl Rove would be coming aboard their campaign, tragedy was barely averted as the famous "Straight Talk Express" was totaled on a lonely road outside of Topeka, Kansas. No one on board was injured as the newly acquired strategist, Karl Rove himself, was at the wheel and reportedly sent it spinning out of control. The campaign was making a hasty retreat from Kansas after receiving a primary setback loss at the hands of the only remaining Republican competitor, Mike Huckabee.



Karl Rove, pictured seconds before sending the McCain campaign bus into a destructive spin

"It all just happened so fast," said a reporter who had been traveling on board the bus with the campaign. "Karl was having fun at the wheel, tailgating a Volvo with a Hillary Clinton bumper sticker on it, and then he seemed to swerve and over correct as this pickup with an Obama sticker passed both vehicles."

Neither of the other two vehicles involved were detained or charged by authorities. State police are investigating whether charges of driving while impaired should be brought against Rove.

A spokesperson for Mr. Rove dismissed the loss of the famous bus, stating that as a symbol it had long ago lost its usefulness. The McCain campaign announced that it would be resurrecting rail travel in a classic nod to the "Whistle Stop" campaigns of old. The newly christened "Terror Train" was closer to the GOP message, and would begin touring the remaining primary states. "We're not stopping until this train pulls into that final station on Pennsylvania Avenue," stated a McCain staffer," and the rest of the campaigns had better observe caution before crossing our tracks."